The last time I saw a really shocking outfit on the streets of Providence was when I was in high school. It was the eighties and punk was in - safety pins, ripped everything, and hair that achieved architectural heights.

Since then, the local fashion scene has been pretty tame, with the exception of the annual RISD fashion show. There, wonderful and innovative clothing design is celebrated and flaunted by young designers and their sassy runway models. In real life, though, Rhode Islanders seem to be erring on the side of safety (not safety pins!).

There are six Gap stores in the state of Rhode Island, and innumerable others in nearby Massachusetts and Connecticut. This suggests that we are having a hard time being creative in our dress. Is it the Swamp Yankee in us? The practical, humorless, hard-working New England work ethic coming through in our clothes?

I've done a little research into what fashion designers want us to be wearing this summer and I wonder how much more cosmopolitan we Rhode Islanders could be if we adhered to the letter of the fashion law laid down by these so-called experts. Imagine yourself and your neighbors in some of these clothes, then ask yourself, "How could I have been so dull as to shop at the Gap all these years?"

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Blinded by science -- Impress all of your scientist friends by being the first person on your block (or lab) to wear this spring's chic lab coats. This is truly an experiment in fashion. Part shirt, part coat, just stuff a beaker in your pocket and you're ready to go from the lab to the disco. Pair with a see-through turtleneck and no one can resist you! (No, really -- see-through turtlenecks are all the rage.)

Color me obnoxious -- Color is back and you won't have to look hard to find it - it'll find you. Lime-green, hot pink, turquoise, coral, red, and orange are the tropical fruit colors of the day. My suggestion is to forego the mall and pay a visit to Lilly Pulitzer, the doyenne of colors that scream. Men, women and children can outfit themselves in hot, hot color, covered in fanciful animals and bizarre motifs. But beware - entire families may give off forceful vibrations when colors and patterns don't coordinate. One makeup

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miscreant suggests, "For a "Bright" look use turquoise on your eyes with bright pink lips, but if you're going for the "Citrus" look, lime green and orange are the colors of choice. Lavender eyes and magenta lips give a true spring feel and create a "Cool" look." The Rocky Horror Picture Show comes to mind.

Checks and balances -- Men's summer sportswear will erupt in gingham, plaid and checks. Again, colors range from bright reds, yellows and oranges to more subdued blues, pinks, and greens. I don't know one man who would refer to any shade of pink as subdued - especially when he has to wear it. Flower patterns are also blooming this season. Get out your Hawaiian shirts and you're ready to visually offend and confuse your friends at the next neighborhood barbecue.

Just "due" it -- And for all you expecting women, Nike has just announced its new line of workout gear for moms-to-be. Liz Lange, co-conspirator in this hare brained scheme says, "The innovative designs have no maternity panels, minimal seaming and come in must-have styles, great solid colors and an adorable gingham pattern." So, in between morning sickness, swelled legs and overwhelming fatigue, the fashionable mom who has it all can jog in form-fitting

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athletic wear stretched tightly across her swelling abdomen and posterior. Just forget it.

So, for all of you fashion-conscious Rhode Islanders, take heed. Your days of fashion mediocrity and sensible New England mode are over. You have been advised of the new styles, colors and looks. To keep up with the times you'd better hit the mall, and not the one with the Gap.

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